FreudianSlip
Well-known member
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the carton and contents of
cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and expensive new jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop Rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer the intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable
objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air, that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench, that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the carton and contents of
cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and expensive new jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop Rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer the intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable
objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air, that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench, that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
